I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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