end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
