got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I will pee on everything he values.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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