non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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