If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
