so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
