but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
