i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
