I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
