twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
