fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
