HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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