i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
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