this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We are two peas in an std pod
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
