Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
