just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
