I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
