Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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