Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
