Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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