1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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