I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
