If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
