I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
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