My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
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