Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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