I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
