So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
