I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
