If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
You're like the curious george of whores
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
