I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
