Swine flu. Run for my life!
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
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