Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
