its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
