Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
