I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You took a bar mat shot.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
