Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
tell me about the eggs
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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