Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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