My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
from now on my penis is your penis
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
