The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
