I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Terrible idea I love it
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
