drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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