apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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