I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
