I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
