Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
