you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
