I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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