I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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