I'm going to jail i love you
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Walk of Shame today included voting.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
