the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
